sccsiouxland

Classic Clarkson quotes
>
>
> "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of
> the people carriers. Not
> that that's much to shout about. That's like saying
> "Ooh good I've got
> syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted
> diseases."
>
> "I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not
> driving it is a bit like
> having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on
> the couch. If you've
> got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."
>
>
> .."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was
> when a politician
> stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of
> paper in the air saying
> there will be no war with Germany"
>
> "America: 250 million w****rs living in a country
> with no word for w****r"
>
> On the Alfa Romeo Brera... "I only have to imagine
> this in black, with tan
> leather and I'm nursing a semi!"
>
> Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It
> couldn't pull a greased
> stick out of a pig's bottom'
>
> On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:
> "there is a word to describe this car: it begins
> with "s" and ends with
> "t" and its not "soot".
> Hammond: "So its fairly terrible then?"
> Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly
> terrible: this is another
> league of badness!"
>
> "some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at
> homeless people - and
> that he long before anyone else realised that Jade
> Goody is a racist pig
> faced waste of blood and organs............all we
> know, is that he's
> called the Stig!"
>
> "the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like
> unprotected sex with an
> Ethiopian transvestite"
>
> "Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming
> stationary... That's
> what gets you."
>
> 'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an
> asthmatic sitting in the
> dashboard blowing at you through a straw'
>
> "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more
> comfortable. More comfortable
> than what... BEING STABBED?"
>
> "The only person to ever look good in the back of a
> 4-seater convertible
> was Adolf Hitler"
>
> (Fed up during the caravanning trip): "You aren't
> allowed to have a party,
> you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed
> to play ball games,
> you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to
> park within two feet
> of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in
> bed by eleven. This
> is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"
>
> (Mercedes CLs55): "Braking in this car is so brutal,
> it would be less
> painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to
> miss."
>
> "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people
> have to get to places
> quicker than I do?"
>
> Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in
> the motorcars domain,
> they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right
> to be on the road,
> some of them even believe they are going fast enough
> to not be an
> obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'
>
> "I was reading The Mirror the other day and came
> across a letter from a
> reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when
> this red Ferrari
> pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy
> Clarkson shouted 'Get a
> car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get
> a car you hatchet
> faced, leaf-eating N**i."
>
> "Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed
> unsafe...probably because
> they don't have wheel-chair access"
>
> 1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus,
> it can only live in
> the air for 6 seconds and it takes 10 years to do
> what ebola does to you
> in 10 days!"
> 2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I
> mean the blokes a bit
> dodgy"
> 3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for
> democracy!!!
> "Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the
> 12 year old Cuban
> prostitutes which way her parents voted"
>
> "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't
> feature enough
> affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off
> tonight with the
> cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
>
> On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the
> entire French Air Force
> crashing into a firework factory."
>
> "Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two
> engines on the back
> because of three very important reasons. One:
> weight. This is 600 Lbs and
> that's the same as having a whole American sitting
> on the tailgate..."
>
> In the olden days I always got the impression that
> TVR built a car, put it
> on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually
> when one of their
> customers wrote to the factory complaining about how
> dead he was.
>
> "the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created,
> not even when God was
> on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo,
> could fit into them."
>
> Assessing Hammond's crash:
> Clarkson: "you can see from the tape that the tyre
> is starting to come
> apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"
> Hammond: "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
> Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can
> be in the office on
> the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at
> me, wife etc, but if
> a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"
>
> "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like
> being well-behaved...for a
> murderer."
>
> "I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it
> is an animals duty to
> be on my plate at supper time"
>
> "There are footballers wives that would be happy
> with this quality of
> stitching... on their face"
>
> "Racing cars which have been converted for road use
> never really work.
> It's like making a hard core adult film, and then
> editing it so that it
> can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up
> with a sort of half hour
> close up of some bloke's sweaty face."
>
> "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might
> imagine. Think of it, if you
> like, as a librarian with a G-string under the
> tweed. I do, and it helps."
>
> "you can't have this car with a diesel, its like
> saying, I wont go to
> stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a
> lapdance, she's a
> woman!"
>
> Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American
> equivalent of a sports
> car...
> in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the
> equivalent of a
> President.
>>
> Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! "Honestly,
> I have seen more
> attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the
> sex appeal of a camel
> with gingivitis."
>
>> "We start tonight with the highlight of my
> childhood. It's the Ladybird
> Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would
> imagine it's full of rubbish
> really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you
> get to page 40, where
> you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when
> I was little, was
> like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath
> together.
> With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
>
> About the Porsche Cayman S: "There are many things
> I'd rather be doing
> than driving it, including waiting for Bernard
> Manning to come off stage
> in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back
> clean."

Also on the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "But there is a price to pay for all that speed — catastrophic understeer." (May have to watch the video to get this one. - Season 8 Episode 6)

Referred to the French as "cheese-eating surrender monkees"

On the Reanult Megane, "of course like all French things, it smokes"